Picture this: Tommy and his mother are enjoying a wonderful time at the park. Tommy’s smiling, laughing, and having fun with his toddler friends. But now it’s time to go so Tommy and his mom can get home in time for dinner. Suddenly, the mood changes, and Tommy is screaming, crying, and thrashing around. Now both he and his mom are frustrated, and people are staring. Tommy’s mom can’t let Tommy stay at the park forever, so she picks him up and hauls him off to the car, scolding him for acting in such a way. But all the while, she wonders if she’s disciplining Tommy the “right” way, especially when the tantrums seem to be becoming more frequent.
There’s a better way to discipline your child that doesn’t cause guilt on your part or more unwanted behavior in your child. As an early learning center, we’ve seen firsthand how Conscious Discipline helps children navigate tantrums far better than traditional punishments and want to share these tips with parents. In this guide, we’ll cover:
- Why tantrums are a normal part of development
- How parents respond to tantrums has consequences
- How to implement Conscious Discipline
- How to teach responsibility without punishment
It’s not enough to stop a tantrum in the moment. You also need to help your child learn to navigate their big feelings without throwing a fit. Let’s break down how to do that:
Why Tantrums Are a Normal Part of Development
Tommy isn’t throwing a tantrum to be difficult on purpose; he’s experiencing big emotions for the first time and has no idea how to navigate them. And since he’s still learning to communicate his needs, he doesn’t quite have the words to express his feelings yet. He wishes they could stay longer and that the transition felt abrupt, but he resorts to throwing a tantrum because that’s the only way his body knows to respond to these overwhelming emotions.
However, just because tantrums are a normal part of development doesn’t mean Tommy’s mom should let him throw as many fits as he wants. Most children grow out of throwing frequent fits by the time they are three years old. By then, they should have the skills needed to express themselves in a better way and understand that tantrums are not a way to get what they want.
In fact, if Tommy’s mom gives in to the tantrum, she teaches him that these fits are a way to get what he wants. And since his brain is still developing, learning patterns is easy. Any negative behaviors Tommy learns now are more likely to stick. This also makes it more difficult to correct behaviors that are learned during this time. Tommy’s mom needs to act fast and teach her son that tantrums are not an acceptable response, all while getting them home in time for dinner. But how is she supposed to do this?
How Parents Respond to Tantrums Matters
Tommy is flailing around on the ground because he doesn’t want to leave the park and his mother must figure out how to get him to stop, get him home, and discourage future tantrums. So, she just starts trying different methods, hoping one of them will work and help her child grow.
Ignoring the Behavior
First, Tommy’s mother tries to ignore the tantrum and proceed as normal. She gathers Tommy’s things and tells him they need to get in the car. Only Tommy doesn’t listen. So, she picks him up, still thrashing about, and awkwardly carries him to the car, ignoring his outburst all the way home. This response greatly stresses her out as it doesn’t quell Tommy’s outburst and forces her to endure all his kicking and screaming. She’s not the only one stressed out though. Tommy isn’t just mad because they had to leave the park, now he feels like his feelings don’t matter to his mother. As a result, he may have an even bigger outburst next time he’s overwhelmed in an effort to get his mother to interact with him.
Scolding
Instead of ignoring Tommy, his mother now tries to make him understand how embarrassing this situation is for her. She scolds him in front of everyone at the park, telling him “Stop it. Big boys don’t throw fits like this.” This seems to work. Tommy still has tears in his eyes, but he’s stopped kicking and screaming. He stares up at his mother, and she is heartbroken to see his saddened expression. Scolding might have stopped the unwanted behavior in the moment, but now Tommy feels ashamed and hurt by his mother’s words. This could even lead to him lashing out at her in response to her scolding, saying equally hurtful things. That would truly be a mortifying experience in a public setting.
Taking Something Away
Tommy’s mother just wants her son to stop throwing a tantrum and learn that that type of behavior is unacceptable. So next she tries to show him that there are consequences for his actions. Since he threw a tantrum at the park, she says they won’t be going there again next week. Or maybe she tries taking away his favorite toy, emphasizing that only “good kids” get to play with it. Or she may even refuse to give him a hug until he’s calmed down. This seems like it could work; it’s showing her son that negative actions have negative consequences. But in actuality, unless the consequence is immediate and natural, Tommy won’t make the connection that it was caused by the tantrum, even when his mom tells him so. Not to mention, it might actually lead to more tantrums as he grows frustrated that he isn’t getting what he wants.
Spanking
Tommy’s mother is at her wit’s end. Nothing seems to discourage her son’s tantrums, and she’s tired of fighting with him while strangers watch. She picks Tommy up and starts spanking him, praying that it will stop the screaming and kicking long enough for her to get him in the car. Tommy cries louder and his mom tells him she’ll stop when he stops throwing a fit. Eventually he complies, and the ordeal is over, right? Wrong. Now Tommy is on edge, afraid of eliciting another spanking. These prolonged stressful periods take a toll on his mental health and delay his ability to regulate his own emotions. Spanking also teaches him that physical violence is the way to solve problems, which will become a major problem when he starts daycare or school.
Conscious Discpline
Nothing she’s tried so far has worked to reduce her son’s tantrums, so Tommy’s mom contacts experts like the ones at Kiddi Kollege and asks for help. After listening to the problems she’s having with Tommy, childcare professionals recommend Conscious Discipline. This approach focuses on teaching children how to manage their emotions instead of just trying to stop certain behaviors. Tommy’s mom is instructed to model positive behavior to her child and teach him how to calm down when he’s upset. This teaches Tommy respect and nurtures the bond he has with his mom as they navigate stressful situations together. The more they practice, the better Tommy will become at recognizing when he is upset and using the skills he’s learned to process big emotions.
How to Implement Conscious Discipline
The childcare experts at Kiddi Kollege don’t just tell Tommy’s mom to research Conscious Discipline and wish her luck; they explain how they use the approach and provide her with the tools she needs. This starts with teaching Tommy’s mom the basic steps to effectively implementing Conscious Discipline:
1. Regulate Yourself
Helping Tommy through a tantrum starts with his mom taking care of herself first. When children lash out, it’s normal for parents to become anxious, frustrated, and overwhelmed. First, Tommy’s mom needs to pause and acknowledge how she’s feeling in the moment. This will likely require taking a few deep breaths and repeating the mantra, “I am safe. Keep breathing. I can handle this.” She’s not ignoring Tommy; she’s taking a moment to calm herself down, so she doesn’t lose control of her own emotions.
This also models to Tommy how he should respond to his own big feelings. He may be throwing a tantrum because he senses his mom’s stress and can’t separate it from his own feelings. Children are far more perceptive than we give them credit for, which is why it’s so important to take care of your own emotions before helping them navigate theirs.
2. Reassure Your Child
Now that Tommy’s mom has calmed herself down, she can directly help Tommy. When any child is in the middle of a tantrum, they can’t process instructions. Tommy might hear instructions, but he can’t follow them because his emotions are overwhelming his body. So, Tommy’s mom kneels down to get on her son’s level and talks to him in a calm tone. She can guess that Tommy is upset because he doesn’t want to leave the park and she acknowledges his feelings by saying, “You are upset right now. Your body is having some really big emotions.” Tommy rambles back reasons he’s upset and continues to cry, but his mom remains calm and listens to his response, validating his feelings.
3. Breathe with Your Child
After Tommy’s mom has named and acknowledged her son’s feelings, she can begin helping him calm down by asking him to take some deep breaths with her. Tommy’s mom may hold her son in her arms to help him feel safe and match her breathing, or she may just need to model the behavior to him depending on the intensity of the tantrum.
In some cases, simply asking a child to take deep breaths with you won’t cut it. If Tommy doesn’t respond to the calm behavior and deep breathing modeled to him, it’s time to take him to a safe place. But how can his mom do this at the park? By being prepared. Before she goes anywhere with her son, Tommy’s mom should pack items like a soft blanket, breathing technique cards, and emotion cards. These items are not meant to be used as toys but can be deployed to create a familiar, safe place for Tommy to express himself and calm down.
4. Give Your Child a Choice
After Tommy has calmed down a little, his mom can get them moving again. She can tell her son is feeling out of control, so she gives him a choice of what to do next, “Do you want to play with your toy in the car or eat a snack while we drive home?” Tommy’s mom isn’t giving in to his demand to stay at the park, but she is giving him some control in how they will proceed. This choice will also give Tommy something new to focus on now that he’s calmed down enough.
How to Teach Responsibility Without Punishment
Punishment only reacts to unwanted behavior; discipline combines a proactive and reactive approach. For example, after the experience at the park, Tommy’s mom can start modeling positive behaviors for her son. This should include acknowledging when she’s upset and taking some deep breaths to calm down. Tommy will see this and copy it the next time he’s upset, whether he means to or not. Additionally, Tommy’s mom can talk to her son about big feelings and how we can identify them. For example, she might ask, “Do you remember a time when you were angry? What did that feel like?” The more you talk about emotions with your child, the better they will be able to understand them and express them in a healthy way.
Discipline is all about teaching your child responsibility and life skills, but it isn’t the only way you can help them grow and develop. Age-appropriate chores are a great way for Tommy’s mom to teach her child responsibility as well as how to care for himself. This can be a great tool for development, so long as Tommy’s mom never uses chores as punishment. This can actually discourage him from wanting to do these necessary tasks. So instead, Tommy’s mom will start including him in chores early on so he can learn useful skills without associating them with punishments.
Not sure what age-appropriate chores to give your child? Generally speaking, children of the following ages can handle the following chores:
Ages 2-3
Supervise your child while they do these age-appropriate chores:
- Putting their toys away
- Placing clothing in the hamper
- Wiping up spills
- Helping load the washer and dryer
- Putting silverware away
- Chopping vegetables with an age-appropriate knife
Ages 4-5
In addition to the previous list of chores, your child should be able to do the following unsupervised:
- Making their bed
- Pulling weeds
- Watering flowers
- Putting away clean utensils
- Helping bring in light groceries
- Sorting laundry into whites and colors before washing
Looking for More Ways to Help Your Child Learn and Grow?
Learning how to manage their emotions is a huge milestone for your child. Conscious Discipline can help teach them how to react to big feelings and age-appropriate chores can help teach responsibility, but what about everything else? Sign up for our newsletter to get parenting advice on how to help your child grow and become a great member of society.
Conscious Discipline Frequently Asked Questions
Conscious Discipline focuses on teaching children how to understand and manage their emotions, while punishment focuses on correcting behavior through consequences. At our early learning center, we use Conscious Discipline to guide children through tantrums and help them learn emotional regulation. This parenting advice encourages children to build lifelong skills rather than simply avoiding punishment.
Yes, tantrums are a normal part of early childhood development. Young children are still learning how to communicate their needs and manage big feelings.
Start by regulating your own emotions, then calmly reassure your child that they are safe. Conscious Discipline encourages parents to stay calm, acknowledge the child’s feelings, and help them breathe and settle down. This parenting advice helps children learn how to process their emotions instead of escalating the tantrum.
Punishment may stop a tantrum in the moment, but it rarely teaches children how to manage their emotions. Conscious Discipline focuses on teaching emotional skills so children can handle frustration more appropriately in the future.
Conscious Discipline teaches children how to recognize when they feel upset and gives them tools to calm themselves. At our early learning center, we model breathing techniques, emotional language, and problem solving so children can handle tantrums in a healthier way.
Yes. Even very young children benefit from Conscious Discipline because they learn emotional cues and calming routines from adults. When parents model calm behavior and empathy, toddlers begin developing the skills needed to manage tantrums and communicate their needs.
Age-appropriate chores help children build confidence, responsibility, and independence. At our early learning center, we encourage children to participate in simple classroom tasks because these responsibilities support development and reinforce positive behavior.
No. Using chores as punishment can cause children to associate helpful tasks with negative feelings. Instead, age-appropriate chores should be introduced as a positive way to contribute to the family and learn new skills.
Children often feel frustrated when they lack control or independence. Age-appropriate chores give children a sense of responsibility and belonging, which can reduce power struggles and help prevent some tantrums.
Start by modeling calm behavior and acknowledging your child’s feelings. Offer choices, use positive language, and guide them through breathing exercises during stressful moments. Consistent parenting advice like this helps reinforce the emotional skills children learn in early education environments.
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